You made it. You are in Amsterdam, the world headquarters of tolerance, open love, and the best green smoke in the universe. You hop off the train and the beautiful Old World city hits you in the face with a swirling mix of bicycles, murky canals, and a wall of sweet-smelling ganja. You want some. But how do you go about it without appearing like a fiend or worse, a stupid newbie tourist?

Even in the City of No Rules, there are a few things you should know:

• Find a coffeeshop, any coffeeshop. “Coffeeshop” is Amsterdam slang for “Weed Café.”

• Ask to see the menu. You will sound like you know what you are doing.

• Pick a couple varieties of marijuana, but don’t go hog wild on your very first try. Buy small amounts. There are many coffeeshops to explore in the city and many fat, crystally buds to put in your brain. Take your time.

• Most coffeeshops have bongs you can borrow to smoke out of. You don’t have to call them water pipes, either.

• Remember: the weed in Amsterdam is probably WAY steazier than the shit you smoke at home. Don’t go frickin’ crazy. Pace yourself.

• You will probably also see hash and mushrooms on the menu; again- don’t go nuts your first hour in the city. Never forget that you are in a foreign country and unfamiliar settings don’t go too well with tripping your balls off. Take it easy, cowboy.

• Almost all Europeans smoke spliffs (a cone-shaped filtered joint with weed and tobacco) rather than joints (a straight little cigarette of pure weed). Each person usually rolls and smokes their own, rather than rolling one for the group which is passed around. You CAN however roll your version of a cigarette bizarre and attempt to pass it around for the amusement of the Europeans.

• There is a dark element in Amsterdam, particularly in and around the Red Light District. Two creepy guys emerge out of an alley and try to sell you hash? Don’t be an idiot. Buy all your drugs from legitimate, legal sources- isn’t that part of the novelty of being in Amsterdam in the first place?

• Don’t do sketchy drugs. There are fun drugs, and there are sketchy drugs. Know the difference and do not dabble in the latter.

• Hash should be smoked along with weed; just place a little bit on top and hit it lightly with the flame. A little dab will do ya.

• Space Cake will remind you without question that THC is a hallucinogen. Do not consume this angelic-looking cake decorated with whipped cream and candy sprinkles lightly.

• Speaking of hallucinogens, magic mushrooms abound in Amsterdam. If you consume, make sure you have a safe and secure place to retreat to if need be. You don’t want to be seeing pink gorillas on the tram when you realized you didn’t book a room for the night and all the hostels are full.

• Respect the city. If you see no smoking signs, don’t light up.

• The countries bordering the Netherlands do not share the same tolerant drug laws; bring weed into them and you can get busted. Traveling with any sort of drug is a bad idea and dogs regularly patrol the trains leaving Amsterdam. That said, the puppies rarely go into the smoking cars of the train as the cigarette stench messes with their noses, and if your drugs are riding in the trashcan beside you instead of on your person, well then, they’re not yours, are they?

• The most important thing to remember while doing drugs in Amsterdam: LEAVE THE COFFEESHOP. Nice and stoned? Don’t waste your whole vacation inside the hazy walls of a tobacco-stained coffeeshop drooling into your plate of hash brownies. Amsterdam is an amazing, vibrant, historical city. Experience art museums, flea markets, historic architecture, canal cruises, and windmills- and take heaps of pictures so you can actually remember your trip!